Thursday, December 20, 2012

What happens when you try to witness to a Satanist from another Satanist's old number?


transcript of text conversation:

Not Benjamin?: Whats wrong with u u need jesus in yo life 2:31 PM
Me: I tried it. Mass is just like Chinese food. Always hungry again an hour later 3:13 PM
Not Benjamin?: God is calling u decide to anser or not 3:15 PM
Me: I think he might have the wrong number 3:19 PM
Not Benjamin?: No but u do 3:20 PM
Me: Are you sure? It says right here that the number is 666 3:21 PM
Not Benjamin?: Retard i meant my number 3:23 PM
Me: I thought you had taken that number too 3:28 PM
Not Benjamin?: No dont reply back 3:30 PM




Monday, November 26, 2012

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Twinkie Apocalypse is upon us!

O mighty Satan, Prince of Darkness, source of greed, lust, and gluttony, we beseech you in this hour of desperation, bring about a swift end to this shortage of unwholesome snack cakes! Preserve the unholy secret recipes as the snack cakes themselves are so preserved by their infernal components from the depths of our earth! We call upon you, awaken in the hearts of many buyers the greed to acquire the merchandising rights to them, and the shamelessness to market them ever more agressively to all who would be healthier without them. In your unholy name we pray, Hail Satan!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Fwd: Your order has been shipped

Stay tuned for Satanized chick tracts in 4-6 weeks

Begin forwarded message:

From: <orderdesk@chick.com>
Date: October 29, 2012, 6:11:16 PM PDT
To: <****>
Subject: Your order has been shipped

Dear ****,

Your order of christian literature from Chick Publications,
(order number *****) was shipped today by U S Post office.

There is 1 box in your order.

Please allow 8 - 10 Business Days for delivery

The following link(s) will give you detail about your order


These links will work for 30 days.

If you should have any questions about your order,
please contact us at Orderdesk@chick.com . Thank you for letting us serve you!

Your servants in Christ,
Chick Publications

CHICK TRACTS GET READ!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Satanic Panic ruins lives. Don't miss this new film on the Paul Ingram case

If you're in Olympia, WA, don't miss Nik Nerburn's new film "Paul" on the infamous Thurston County Ritual Abuse case of the 1990s. See it Sunday, November 18 sometime after 2:00pm in "Locals Only" at the Capitol Theater in Olympia. Here's everything we know about it: http://blog.olympia.worshipsatan.org/2012/10/new-film-on-our-local-witch-hunt-of.html

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Satanic sea cruise

Sails monthly on select dark nights. Make a deal with the devil! You know you want to. Check the new Seattle Satanists site for details: http://seattle.worshipsatan.org

Friday, October 19, 2012

Finally, some hate mail

This came to the PO Box with no return address. The sender simply identifies herself or himself as "ghosthand". With a god that unappealing, it's no wonder the sender is ashamed to give any contact information. But thanks "ghosthand" for showing your true bigoted hateful colors. If your heaven is full of people like you, you can probably understand why we wouldn't want to spend eternity there with you.

God is dead. Hail Satan!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Christians promoting Satanism

Here's a new YouTube playlist of christian programming making Satanism look good in spite of itself:


What were they thinking? Oh right, they weren't.

Help us spread the Dark Gospel

We don't need much to spread our message, mostly just time and scrapbooking supplies.  Want to help? Now you can by sending us something on our wish list:


Contributions are NOT tax deductible (we're working on it. Maybe soon we'll be an officially recognized church, but for now, you'll just have to support us out of the blackness of your soul)

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

New prayer line flyer

Here's a new flyer for the Satanic Prayer Line. You don't have to be a theistic Satanist to call. Does it really matter if a Satanic atheist prays for you? Only one way to find out. Hail Satan!

Friday, August 31, 2012

Tickets

What are they for? Only Satan knows. For most sinful pleasures, you need a ticket to get in

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Need a demon? There's an app for that

Now you can summon demons while you're on the go with our brand new demon invoking app! Just visit the following link from your mobile device and bookmark it or add it to your home screen:

http://satanicmission.org/demon

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Everybody loves demons

We have summoned these demons from the infernal chaos to possess these flyers! Every single flyer is unique because no two demons are alike. Hail SATAN!

Busted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjXkAu-QU50

An employee of The Evergreen State College caught red-handed removing satanic flyers. He said his supervisor told him to do it, but he was being too sneaky about it for this to be likely.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Pocket Demons

From the infernal depths we have summoned these demons to serve as your personal minions. Befriend one if you dare! Each one is unique. Available from the free Satanic display at Last Word Books in Olympia

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Satanic message in a bottle

New cards for the Satanic Missionary Society and the Satanic Prayer Line are now available in bottles. Collect them all. Look for them at Last Word Books and Caffe Vita in Olympia.

Monday, July 23, 2012

A Satanic Prayer for Bigots

http://blog.olympia.worshipsatan.org/2012/07/satanic-rapid-response-to-hate-crime.html

A Satanic Prayer for Bigots:

Seductive and lustful Satan, infernal messenger of all that is dark and pleasing to the flesh, lure the self-righteous holy ones who remove our profane flyers away from their bigoted and hateful ways.  O beautiful and wise Serpent of Eden, tempt them with all the knowledge and pleasures of this life, so much sweeter than their bitter hatred and intolerance.  Awaken in their hearts and in their loins the carnal desires for all things depraved and vile.  In your name we curse all who deny others pleasure and all who would silence us.  Hail Satan!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Have you made your decision for Satan?

Download this card as a pdf here:
http://www.satanicmission.org/unholy/cookies/cookies.pdf

On the front is our Cookie Recipe, and on the back, you can make your decision for Satan

Come to the Dark Side

We have cookies

O Satan, source of all chaos and seduction, imbue these unholy cookies with your infernal presence! Lead all who come near them into the ways of wickedness, that they may live to taste ever-greater sins and pleasures! Hail Satan!

  1. Preheat oven to 375°.
  2. Gather these things:
    • 1 1/8 cup flour
    • 1/2 tsp. baking soda
    • 1/2 tsp. salt
    • 1/2 cup unsalted butter
    • 3/8 cup white sugar
    • 3/8 cup brown sugar
    • 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
    • 1 egg
    • 1 cup milk chocolate chips
  3. Combine flour, baking soda, and salt and set aside.
  4. Beat butter, white and brown sugar, and vanilla until creamy.
  5. Beat in egg.
  6. Gradually beat in flour mixture.
  7. Stir in chocolate chips.
  8. Drop in heaping teaspoons onto ungreased baking sheet.
  9. Bake until edges are golden brown (about 10 minutes).
  10. Let cool for two minutes on baking sheet.
  11. Serve warm to lure people to Satan!

A Sinner's Prayer

O Satan, infernal tempter, Dark Lord of seduction and chaos, I am a sinner, and proudly so! Continue to advise me in the ways of wickedness. Drive from my heart the hateful forces of guilt and holiness. I take ownership of my desires and commit myself to my own pleasure and satisfaction! I will follow my passions wherever they lead me! Satan, I do not confine you to my heart! May your Dark Presence flow from there into my life and actions. Make trouble for all who stand in my way! Hail Satan!

My Decision for Satan

Proclaiming to all that I am a sinner, and believing that Satan will always guide me best to my desires, I do now and always reject “salvation” and celebrate sinfulness!

Name: _______________________________________________________

Date: _______________________________________________________

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Suggestions for a caller asking about sacrifices

We just got this call, and have a few suggestions:

http://satanicmission.org/jenny.mp3

We think this call may be from "jenny" rather than "nicholas" as the number the caller gave is a well-known number for someone named "jenny". The caller, however, neglected to hide his caller-id, which differs from the one left in the message. Instead of calling back, we'll post our suggestions here in the hopes they may be helpful to others with similar questions.

We're not aware of any Satanic groups that practice animal sacrifices. The Satanic Missionary Society certainly does not promote sacrifices of any kind as we tend to be against martyrdom and sacrifice in general and do not see these ideas as consistent with a philosophy of living selfishly. We also tend to embrace life and its many lustful pleasures rather than glorifying death as most other religions do.

But if you are interested in performing sacrifices, there is a major world religion, very well represented in most communities in the United States (and most other countries) that performs human sacrifice rituals quite regularly. Some sects of this religion perform this ritual weekly (usually on Sundays), and some even promote performing it daily. Of course they do tend to keep sacrificing the same particular human over and over again (claiming he has divine properties), so it may not be exactly what you're after. It's not the kind of thing we're into as Satanists, but some people like it.

Another good resource on sacrifice is the sacred scriptures of the above mentioned religion, widely available in various English translations. We'd suggest starting at the beginning. This book comes to us from a variety of sources, but it seems to be intended as a manual of devotion to a nomadic tribe's local storm-god, who is prone to violent mood-swings. This collection of scriptures ends with some very disturbing and sadistic predictions about the end of the world and the fate of outsiders. Once again, not really the best guide to life and rituals for a Satanist, but perhaps a good resource for someone else with a taste for cruelty.

If you are interested in practicing real rather than symbolic human sacrifices (we certainly DO NOT recommend this option, but it's your life), there are a few organizations that are dedicated to this, very well represented in every community on earth, and their members tend to be very highly respected. Here are some links to them for people in the United States:

http://www.army.mil/
http://www.navy.mil/
http://www.marines.mil/
http://www.airforce.com/

If you just want to stick with animal sacrifices, here are a few links that sound like a good place to start:

http://www.myoan.net/hunting/orgs.html

We hope you find this helpful. Thanks for the call.

Hail SATAN!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Is this Satan?

You don't have to call us to talk to Satan. Just look into your heart and follow you desires. To this caller, your number is already possessed through the unholy mystery of caller-ID. Hail SATAN!

http://satanicmission.org/isthissatan.mp3

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

These are your children on religion

This is what happens when you take your children to church every sunday, and then give them their own telephones:

http://www.satanicmission.org/queer.mp3

A note to others that want to leave hateful messages for us: Caller ID exists. Calling a minority religious organization and leaving a message like this is a hate crime.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

If at first you don't succeed



Try, try Satan.

Update: Cafepress.com just emailed us and reinstated the image.  At least they responded.  So you can buy this t-shirt again if you want it.  It's only $11.99 + shipping.  And it's available in your favorite color, as long as it's white.

Cafepress.com just sent us a message that this image violates their policies, though they declined to say which one.  We thought this would make a good T-shirt, so we posted it a few days ago.  It probably got flagged for copyright because one of their under-educated and over-vigilant employees thought it sounded familiar but didn't bother to investigate why.  Here's our reply to their message:

From: Satanic Missionary Society
Subject: Alleged Content Policy violation

Hello, this image has been incorrectly flagged as violating the content policy. I created all the visual content, and the poem on which the text is based was published in 1840 and has long since passed into the public domain. It is the poem "Try, try again," which can be found in the 1840 teachers manual by T. H. Palmer.

Here is the google books link to the source:


Thomas H. Palmer lived from 1792-1861, meaning that none of his work could possibly remain under copyright in any country.

If this image has been flagged for another reason, please send the details.  Otherwise, please remove the violation flag.  Thank you.

On Tuesday, June 12, 2012, CafePress Content Usage Policy wrote:

Dear Content Owner,

You can view all the images which have been pended by clicking on the following URL (or copying and pasting this URL into your browser):  http://www.cafepress.com/cp/members/login.aspx?goto=/cp/members/imagebasket/image_basket.aspx?f=pending

Images Pended: 68679461


Thank you for using CafePress!

We recently learned that your CafePress account contains material which may not be in compliance with our policies. Specifically, designing, manufacturing, marketing and/or selling products that may infringe the rights of a third party, including, copyrights (e.g.,an image of a television cartoon character), trademarks (e.g., the logo of a company),"rights in gross" (e.g., the exclusive right of the U.S. Olympic Committee to use the "Olympic Rings"), and rights of privacy and publicity (e.g., a photo of a celebrity) are prohibited. Accordingly, we have set the content that we believe to be questionable to "pending status" which disables said content from being displayed in your shop or purchased. You may review the content set to pending status by logging into your CafePress account and clicking on the "Media Basket" link. The content set to pending status will be highlighted red.

Please note that any current orders associated with pended content are subject to cancellation. Please contact our Customer Support Team at 1-877-809-1659 for more information regarding the status of any orders within the next 24-48 hours.

Please visit our Content Usage Policy (CUP) for additional information regarding the type of content you may use with the CafePress service.

We apologize for any inconvenience that the removal of your content may have caused you. Please let us know if we can be of further assistance.

Sincerely,


Content Usage Team
CafePress
CUP@cafepress.com


The contents of this message, together with any attachments, are intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which they are addressed and may contain information that is confidential and exempt from disclosure. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution, or copying of this message, or any attachment, is strictly prohibited. If you have received this message in error, please notify the original sender immediately by telephone or by return E-mail and delete this message, along with any attachments, from your computer. Thank you.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Blasphemous?

Is it blasphemous to use postage stamps of mary and jesus to order your Satanic membership cards?

We certainly hope so.

When will the postal service issue Satanic postage stamps? Until they do, it's up to us to keep defiling the Christmas stamps they do issue. Merry Antichristmas!

Thanks to the person who sent us this. Your membership cards are on the way!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Enemy cursing kits almost all gone!


Don't worry, more are on the way. Why are these so much more popular than the membership cards? It seems that given a choice between sharing Satan with up to three friends or cursing up to three enemies, most people choose the latter.

Please call us and tell us how you've used the enemy-cursing kit. We'll be happy to post your testimonials here.

Once again, the number is 512-33-SATAN. You can call or text to it, or you can email us at contact@satanicmission.org.

Hail SATAN!

Infamy!

We made the news a few days ago. Here's the story that ran in the Olympian:

http://www.theolympian.com/2012/05/29/2121216/project-asks-is-satan-such-a-bad.html

Here's the TV news segment that ran on KOMO TV in Seattle the same evening:

http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Olympia-man-turning-heads-with-his-Satanic-art-155527545.html

Why are we doing this? Someone needs to. The reader and viewer comments in the above links show just how desperately our society needs the seductive and liberating message of Satan.

Hail SATAN!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Join us in cursing the Westboro Baptist Church during their visit to Seattle and Olympia

Please join us in praying to Satan for the Westboro Baptist Church and cursing them on their upcoming visit to Seattle and Olympia.

Protestors from the Westboro Baptist Church will be in Washington State at the following times and locations:

State Capitol Building in Olympia, WA June 6, 2012 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM (We'll be at this one)

Olympia High School in Olympia, WA June 7, 2012 7:15 AM - 7:45 AM

Thurston County Auditors Office in Olympia, WA June 7, 2012 7:55 AM - 9:00 AM

King County Administration Building in Seattle, WA June 7, 2012 10:15 AM - 11:00 AM

We will be at the State Capitol to meet them, and possibly one of the other locations and times (we have to choose only one due to transportation issues). While the hateful Westboro church has no problem harassing high-school students, we think that showing up at a high school with our own religious message is going too far. But we certainly encourage Satanic high-school students to pray to Satan for these people on their own in a visible way.

For background, the Westboro Baptist Church is the group that has disrupted military funerals, claiming that the deaths are god's punishment for our tolerance of decadence and homosexuality. Since everyone else has been praying to their gods for these hateful people to change their ways with no results, maybe a few Satanic curses will help to set at least a few of them on a different path.

Hail Satan!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

A few notes on our satanic symbols

We have received a few confused reactions to our use of inverted crosses and pentacles in our promotional material.

1. Why do we use an inverted cross? Isn't that the Catholic symbol for St. Peter?

Yes, this observation is correct, but we believe this is a perfect symbol for satanism for the following reasons:

First, jesus does address Peter as Satan in Matthew 16:23. Read in context this passage is even more instructive to the Satanist as Peter is trying to talk jesus out of embracing martyrdom and this is what jesus rebukes him for. While we admit that the inverted cross to Catholics refers to the myth of Peter refusing to be crucified upright as jesus was, we believe we're entitled to a little artistic license on this matter.

Second, to invert a symbol is to reject what it stands for. The cross represents selfless martyrdom, as well as the brutality of the Roman Empire. It is a symbol glorifying death and misery, and we reject this.

Third, the inverted cross is widely recognized in popular culture as a satanic symbol, and in keeping with our Satanic Virtue of Laziness, why make our message more difficult to recognize that it needs to be?

2. Isn't the pentacle a neo-pagan symbol? What does it have to do with Satanism?

We admit that our critics have a point on this. But we believe using it as we do is completely appropriate.

As with the inverted cross, most people recognize the inverted pentacle as a satanic symbol, and Satanists, artists, and musicians have used it as such for at least 40 years.

To many neo-pagans, a downward pointing pentacle symbolizes putting earthly things before spiritual things. To others it symbolizes taking power from the gods. We see both these interpretations as the essence of Satanism. We put worldly things before heavenly things, and we intend to take power from the gods while we refuse to return it to them.

But we understand the confusion this may cause, and so we always try to include the phrase "Hail SATAN!" on any material using a pentacle, or else surround it by inverted crosses, just to make our intentions clear.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

This just in: have you heard about Jesus? So have we.

Someone called the hotline wanting to tell us about jesus. We are already quite familiar with jesus, and have rejected the ideal of self-sacrifice he represents. But just in case you haven't heard, you can call these people and be "saved"

http://satanicmission.org/jesus.mp3

Just in case the number in the message doesn't work, the number they called from is 330-536-3802

Friday, May 18, 2012

Curse your enemies


Do you have enemies? Wouldn't revenge be sweet? What could be sweeter than letting them know they've been cursed?

Now you can easily notify your enemies that you have placed a curse on them and decide whether to let them make reparations, change their ways, or simply remain eternally cursed.

This enemy-cursing kit can be yours absolutely free. Just send a self-addressed stamped envelope to:

ATTN Enemies Dept.
Satanic Missionary Society
PO Box 11753
Olympia WA. 98508

Hail SATAN!

For a limited time only:

Act now and get FOUR curse notification cards instead of three! (For a limited time only while supplies last)

Wicked!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Make your own Satanic cards and flyers. Follow us on Tumblr

Not finding our cards and flyers anywhere? Think you could do better than our choices of paper and presentation? Check out our new tumblr blog for 600dpi artwork you can use to make your own Satanic propaganda:

http://satanicmission.tumblr.com

Do whatever you want with this art, as long as it's diabolical.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Join us!

Other Satanic organizations will charge you up to $200 for a membership. They will also ask you for personal details to judge whether or not you meet their standards.

We are different. We believe that anyone who wants can proudly call herself or himself a Satanist. All we seek in our members is a desire to share the Dark Gospel. A SATANIC MISSIONARY SOCIETY MEMBERSHIP IS ABSOLUTELY FREE AND UNCONDITIONAL!

If you believe you have what it takes to join in our Unholy Mayhem, then just send us a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope, and we will send you this hand-crafted, attractive set of not just one, but FOUR official membership cards, so you can continue to share this profane vocation with friends and family.

We don't even collect any personal details. Satan is in your heart, and knows whether you are a Satanic Missionary or not. Once we have sent you your membership cards in the self-addressed envelope you supplied us, we have no record of your existence. Only Satan knows what diabolical purpose you have in mind for your membership in our Society.

To receive your membership cards, send a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope to

ATTN Membership Department
Satanic Missionary Society
PO Box 11753
Olympia WA  98508

We currently CANNOT accept monetary donations of any kind, and can only accept envelopes stamped with US Postage ($0.45 US, $0.85 Canada and Mexico, $1.05 everywhere else) or unstamped envelopes accompanied by an International Reply Coupon. We are also unable to accept requests for membership cards over the phone or by e-mail as we need a self-addressed stamped envelope to use for delivery to you.

Hail SATAN!


Important update for people outside the United States:
Since you cannot easily obtain US Postage to send us, we can also accept International Reply Coupons, which you can get from the post office in your country. Unfortunately, many countries have stopped selling these (notably the UK and India). If you are unable to obtain an International Reply Coupon to send us, don't worry, we're still committed to enrolling you in our Unholy Society. Please just send us anything interesting and wicked from your country that is small enough to fit in an envelope and we will accept this in lieu of return postage. (We still need a self-addressed envelope from you)
Here is more information about International Reply Coupons:
http://www.upu.int/en/activities/international-reply-coupons/about-irc.html
And here is a list of countries that sell them:
http://www.upu.int/en/activities/international-reply-coupons/countries-selling-ircs.html

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

New diabolical design

This just in from our minions:

"We are legion. We have a new satanic flyer design to share. We won't make as many of these as the others because this is a very labor-intensive process. But we will strategically place these where they will be appreciated. We labor for the glory of the Dark Lord! Hail Satan!"

So keep an eye out. Maybe you'll find them before the self-righteous holy ones destroy them.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

These people really don't like Satan.

Dear Satan, please tempt these people to stand up in church and say this:

http://www.satanicmission.org/thelord.mp3

No, 360-438-THE-LORD is not a real number. They were just jealous. Hail SATAN!

Another call to the hotline

Please pray to Satan for this person. She says something disturbed her:

http://www.satanicmission.org/disturbed.mp3

If she is so disturbed, why isn't she in church praying about it? Could it be that no one is listening?

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Won't somebody please think of the children?

Someone left this message on our hotline:


Do you think she uses that kind of language in church?  We will stop leaving flyers where 12-year-olds might find them when you stop telling children about god and jesus.  We don't deliberately proselytize to minors, but we can't control who may or may not find our promotional material in public places.  And if it's acceptable for christians to share their message in public, then we can do it too.

Please pray to Satan for this misguided soul.  The number for the Satanic Prayer Line is 601-2-SATAN-2.

Also, a note to callers that might call us or others to express disgust at our mission, we do not share caller-ID numbers with the public, but if you're thinking of leaving abusive messages for other people you don't agree with, you may want to remember that caller-ID exists and that not everyone you disagree with is as civil as we are.

Our call-back policy is that we only call people whose number left in the message matches their caller-ID.

Hail Satan!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Satanic Scrolls

Does reading a web-site give you a headache? Our Unholy Missionaries can help by delivering our dark message in scroll format. Look for us at Olympia Arts Walk this Friday and Saturday.

Unholy Water Bottles

Too lazy to make your own unholy water? No problem. We respect that. Embrace the Satanic Virtue of Laziness and get a bottle of Unholy Water from one of our Unholy Missionaries at Olympia Arts Walk this Friday and Saturday

Friday, April 20, 2012

Satanic tract on Unholy Water and its uses

Look for this new Satanic tract around Olympia, Washington. Our unholy missionaries will be handing them out during Arts Walk next weekend (April 27-28)

Unholy bibles

We have reclaimed these bibles for the Dark Lord.
The King James Bible is one of the most important works of literature in the English language.  We see no reason the godly should claim ownership of it.  In many ways this is a Satanic book.  It is not the inerrant or inspired word of a deity.  It is a mysterious and beautiful collection of myths and texts, gathered from diverse sources, redacted and interpolated many times in its history by various people who wanted their ideas to be taken as the word of the divine.
Although the writers of the bible did not have a concept of Satan as we do, the word "Satan" appears in a few places.  In the book of Job, Satan refers to an adversary that is god's servant, whose task it is to test the faithful lest they besmirch god's good name.  When jesus says "Get thee behind me Satan!" in the gospels, he is not referring to our Dark Lord, but rather using it as a general term for "adversary" when rebuking Peter.
Still, there is much to be gained by the Satanist in reading this book. For example, taking one of the "Get thee behind me Satan!" quotes from the gospels, we find a very clear example of the teaching we reject:
From that time forth began Jesus to shew unto his disciples, how that he must go unto Jerusalem, and suffer many things of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised again on the third day. Then Peter took him, and began to rebuke him, saying, Be it far from thee, Lord: this shall not be unto thee. But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offense unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.
(Matthew 16:21-25)
As Satanists, we are very much against taking up crosses and following. What does jesus have to offer in this passage but an empty, unverifiable promise of a life restored in the future. We proudly display Peter's inverted cross as our symbol, for to us it is a rejection of suffering and death. We savor the things of this world and rebuke the things of god. Get thee behind me, christ! We Satanists will not waste this rare and precious life of ours by denying its pleasures.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Monday, April 16, 2012

Unholy Water and its uses

Unholy water is ordinary water that has been defiled and polluted with something dark and dedicated to satanic purposes by a Satanist. Unlike Holy water, which must be blessed by a priest, anyone can make unholy water. All it takes is a willingness to follow Satan.

Suggested uses:

1) Anti-christening

Anti-christening is an antidote to the godly sacrament of baptism. While no sacraments are involved in following Satan, as a Satanist reveres the profane above the sacred, many Satanists find rituals helpful in enriching a Satanic practice.

We find the term "Satanic Baptism" contradictory, as the word "baptize" implies cleansing. We strive to pollute and corrupt, to thrive in our godless world that is unclean, to revel in filth.

Satanic anti-christening, unlike baptism, is best self-administered. We are selfish and insolent, we do not submit to a higher priesthood. Our most powerful rituals come to us directly from Satan, who lives in our hearts.

Anti-christening ritual:

Take any amount of Unholy Water that pleases you, sprinkle it on the palms of your hands, the soles of your feet, and your genitals if desired, and recite the following prayer:

"In the name of Satan, source of all that is wicked and vile, I anti-christen myself with this Unholy Water. Hail Satan!"

The anti-christening ritual may be performed as often as desired.

2) Cursing an enemy:

Unholy Water can be cast on or in the direction of an enemy to curse him or her. This is best accompanied by a prayer for vengeance.

3) Desecration of sacred sites and objects.

Cast unholy water on sacred sites or objects while reciting a prayer to Satan confirming a rejection of the faith they represent. We advocate doing this publicly toward churches that preach hateful messages and engage in political activity against the interests of Satanists. The following prayer is appropriate in for such action:

"With this Unholy Water I defile [name of church]. Satan, awaken the sleeping minds of these deluded followers of misery and death. Tempt them with all that is sweet. Torment those who keep us from our desires, and lead their children away from their godly ways. May all their sacred places crumble into dust. May the wicked fornicate on their graves. Hail Satan!"

A prayer for vengeance

I call upon Satan the adversary, tormentor of Job and all the godly, guide me to the most sweet and poetic revenge on my enemy [name] who has wronged and degraded me. Brilliant Lucifer, clear my mind of all delusion, that I may see how my misery may be most swiftly and justly returned to my enemy [name]. Free me from guilt and pity, that I may take full pleasure in my enemy [name]'s misfortune at my hands. Make me clever and wise in my diabolical plans, that I may avoid retribution and further torment.

Hail Satan!

A Prayer before fornication

Satan, we thank you for this bounty of fornication we are about to receive. Let nothing diminish our pleasure. May we feel just enough guilt to enhance our desire, may our guilt give way to ecstasy when the moment is ripe. Guide us in the way of discretion, let us keep our sinful secret so long as it brings us more excitement. Give us the shamelessness to take delight in the horror of the righteous when our secret is revealed. May any bastards we produce live long pleasant lives of decadence and corruption.

Hail Satan!

A Satanic Missionary's Prayer

In the name of all that is dark and unholy, I call upon Satan to give me the Devil's allure, that I may tempt the deluded spirits of the godly into the ways of wickedness, that I may corrupt the faithful into doubt and pleasure, that I may inspire the selfless to renounce sacrifice and embrace the forbidden. Let the hell-fire of transgression burn within my heart and spread to all I touch. Mighty Lucifer, lend me your brilliance and vanity, that I may persevere in this calling which gives me such pleasure. May all the people of this earth partake of the forbidden fruit and live as gods.

Hail Satan!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

HIde Satanic Eggs for Unholy Week, April 1 - 8


While Satanists in general don't celebrate Easter, why not reclaim some of it's trappings for the Dark Lord?

There's nothing inherently godly about candy-filled plastic eggs.  In fact, they are already a little Satanic, as they promote the pleasure of eating candy and finding hidden surprises.

 Show your satanic mischievousness, and fill plastic eggs with candy and Satanic messages and hide them around your community during the week of April 1 to 8, 2012.

Hail Satan!

Gathering of Olympia Satanists today

The first Gathering of Olympia Satanists meets today, March 28, 7:30pm in Olympia, Washington at The Olympia Center.  This group meets every month on the fourth wednesday.

For more information, visit their web-site olympia.worshipsatan.org