Sunday, April 29, 2012

These people really don't like Satan.

Dear Satan, please tempt these people to stand up in church and say this:

No, 360-438-THE-LORD is not a real number. They were just jealous. Hail SATAN!

Another call to the hotline

Please pray to Satan for this person. She says something disturbed her:

If she is so disturbed, why isn't she in church praying about it? Could it be that no one is listening?

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Won't somebody please think of the children?

Someone left this message on our hotline:

Do you think she uses that kind of language in church?  We will stop leaving flyers where 12-year-olds might find them when you stop telling children about god and jesus.  We don't deliberately proselytize to minors, but we can't control who may or may not find our promotional material in public places.  And if it's acceptable for christians to share their message in public, then we can do it too.

Please pray to Satan for this misguided soul.  The number for the Satanic Prayer Line is 601-2-SATAN-2.

Also, a note to callers that might call us or others to express disgust at our mission, we do not share caller-ID numbers with the public, but if you're thinking of leaving abusive messages for other people you don't agree with, you may want to remember that caller-ID exists and that not everyone you disagree with is as civil as we are.

Our call-back policy is that we only call people whose number left in the message matches their caller-ID.

Hail Satan!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Satanic Scrolls

Does reading a web-site give you a headache? Our Unholy Missionaries can help by delivering our dark message in scroll format. Look for us at Olympia Arts Walk this Friday and Saturday.

Unholy Water Bottles

Too lazy to make your own unholy water? No problem. We respect that. Embrace the Satanic Virtue of Laziness and get a bottle of Unholy Water from one of our Unholy Missionaries at Olympia Arts Walk this Friday and Saturday

Friday, April 20, 2012

Satanic tract on Unholy Water and its uses

Look for this new Satanic tract around Olympia, Washington. Our unholy missionaries will be handing them out during Arts Walk next weekend (April 27-28)

Unholy bibles

We have reclaimed these bibles for the Dark Lord.
The King James Bible is one of the most important works of literature in the English language.  We see no reason the godly should claim ownership of it.  In many ways this is a Satanic book.  It is not the inerrant or inspired word of a deity.  It is a mysterious and beautiful collection of myths and texts, gathered from diverse sources, redacted and interpolated many times in its history by various people who wanted their ideas to be taken as the word of the divine.
Although the writers of the bible did not have a concept of Satan as we do, the word "Satan" appears in a few places.  In the book of Job, Satan refers to an adversary that is god's servant, whose task it is to test the faithful lest they besmirch god's good name.  When jesus says "Get thee behind me Satan!" in the gospels, he is not referring to our Dark Lord, but rather using it as a general term for "adversary" when rebuking Peter.
Still, there is much to be gained by the Satanist in reading this book. For example, taking one of the "Get thee behind me Satan!" quotes from the gospels, we find a very clear example of the teaching we reject:
From that time forth began Jesus to shew unto his disciples, how that he must go unto Jerusalem, and suffer many things of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised again on the third day. Then Peter took him, and began to rebuke him, saying, Be it far from thee, Lord: this shall not be unto thee. But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offense unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.
(Matthew 16:21-25)
As Satanists, we are very much against taking up crosses and following. What does jesus have to offer in this passage but an empty, unverifiable promise of a life restored in the future. We proudly display Peter's inverted cross as our symbol, for to us it is a rejection of suffering and death. We savor the things of this world and rebuke the things of god. Get thee behind me, christ! We Satanists will not waste this rare and precious life of ours by denying its pleasures.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Monday, April 16, 2012

Unholy Water and its uses

Unholy water is ordinary water that has been defiled and polluted with something dark and dedicated to satanic purposes by a Satanist. Unlike Holy water, which must be blessed by a priest, anyone can make unholy water. All it takes is a willingness to follow Satan.

Suggested uses:

1) Anti-christening

Anti-christening is an antidote to the godly sacrament of baptism. While no sacraments are involved in following Satan, as a Satanist reveres the profane above the sacred, many Satanists find rituals helpful in enriching a Satanic practice.

We find the term "Satanic Baptism" contradictory, as the word "baptize" implies cleansing. We strive to pollute and corrupt, to thrive in our godless world that is unclean, to revel in filth.

Satanic anti-christening, unlike baptism, is best self-administered. We are selfish and insolent, we do not submit to a higher priesthood. Our most powerful rituals come to us directly from Satan, who lives in our hearts.

Anti-christening ritual:

Take any amount of Unholy Water that pleases you, sprinkle it on the palms of your hands, the soles of your feet, and your genitals if desired, and recite the following prayer:

"In the name of Satan, source of all that is wicked and vile, I anti-christen myself with this Unholy Water. Hail Satan!"

The anti-christening ritual may be performed as often as desired.

2) Cursing an enemy:

Unholy Water can be cast on or in the direction of an enemy to curse him or her. This is best accompanied by a prayer for vengeance.

3) Desecration of sacred sites and objects.

Cast unholy water on sacred sites or objects while reciting a prayer to Satan confirming a rejection of the faith they represent. We advocate doing this publicly toward churches that preach hateful messages and engage in political activity against the interests of Satanists. The following prayer is appropriate in for such action:

"With this Unholy Water I defile [name of church]. Satan, awaken the sleeping minds of these deluded followers of misery and death. Tempt them with all that is sweet. Torment those who keep us from our desires, and lead their children away from their godly ways. May all their sacred places crumble into dust. May the wicked fornicate on their graves. Hail Satan!"

A prayer for vengeance

I call upon Satan the adversary, tormentor of Job and all the godly, guide me to the most sweet and poetic revenge on my enemy [name] who has wronged and degraded me. Brilliant Lucifer, clear my mind of all delusion, that I may see how my misery may be most swiftly and justly returned to my enemy [name]. Free me from guilt and pity, that I may take full pleasure in my enemy [name]'s misfortune at my hands. Make me clever and wise in my diabolical plans, that I may avoid retribution and further torment.

Hail Satan!

A Prayer before fornication

Satan, we thank you for this bounty of fornication we are about to receive. Let nothing diminish our pleasure. May we feel just enough guilt to enhance our desire, may our guilt give way to ecstasy when the moment is ripe. Guide us in the way of discretion, let us keep our sinful secret so long as it brings us more excitement. Give us the shamelessness to take delight in the horror of the righteous when our secret is revealed. May any bastards we produce live long pleasant lives of decadence and corruption.

Hail Satan!

A Satanic Missionary's Prayer

In the name of all that is dark and unholy, I call upon Satan to give me the Devil's allure, that I may tempt the deluded spirits of the godly into the ways of wickedness, that I may corrupt the faithful into doubt and pleasure, that I may inspire the selfless to renounce sacrifice and embrace the forbidden. Let the hell-fire of transgression burn within my heart and spread to all I touch. Mighty Lucifer, lend me your brilliance and vanity, that I may persevere in this calling which gives me such pleasure. May all the people of this earth partake of the forbidden fruit and live as gods.

Hail Satan!