Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Downloadable Demons!

Tired of waiting? Want something wicked RIGHT NOW?



While good things come to those who wait, we can now offer INSTANT GRATIFICATION!

Visit our DOWNLOADABLE DEMON STORE and brows sets of THREE COMPLETELY UNIQUE DEMONS delivered as MP3 files!

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! You'll also get COMPLETELY UNIQUE IMAGES of your demons embedded in each MP3 File so you can gaze into their INFERNAL FACES on your iPod, phone, or computer as you listen to their UNHOLY VOICES!

How is this possible? We invoke these demons JUST FOR YOU using the exact same INFERNAL TECHNOLOGY OF WICKEDNESS that we use to create our Demonic Divining Cards, Pocket Demons, and Demonic Audio CDs! But instead of containing the newly invoked demons into physical items, they are VIRTUALLY CONFINED TO THE AETHER to be downloaded at your convenience!

ONCE YOU PURCHASE A SET OF DEMONS NO ONE ELSE WILL EVER BE ABLE TO DOWNLOAD YOUR DEMONS! You can reproduce them as much as you want, but they are most powerful when CONFINED TO A SINGLE DEVICE!

Monday, December 30, 2013

New CD of Demonic Voices!

You've seen the Infernal Faces of Demons in our other products ( http://satanicmission.org/cards ) Now hear their Unholy Voices! Pick up a CD of 72 Demons from our online store NOW! Get yours here: http://satanicmission.org/cd

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Thursday, September 12, 2013

It's Official, we are now a non-profit corporation (with the wrong PO Box)

The Satanic Missionary Society is now an officially registered non-profit corporation in the State of Washington.

It seems the clerk at the state office was a little nervous when reviewing our application, and entered the PO Box incorrectly in their system, so we never received any mail. We've filed a form to correct the address, but this means you should be able to write checks payable to "Satanic Missionary Society" soon!

Please do not mail correspondence to PO Box 11754. The correct address is PO Box 11753. Hail Satan!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Official Satanic Product Catalog

Behold! The Official Satanic Missionary Society Product Catalog is AVAILABLE NOW! Supplies are EXTREMELY LIMITED! There are only TWELVE of these! Order yours before THEY ARE ALL GONE!

Get it here for only $199.99!

Nine unholy leaves of black to lure you with all Satan has to offer!
Would you judge this book by its cover?
Original Sins are always best!
Use only genuine Satanic Candles in all your rituals!
We have Pocket Demons priced for every budget!
Satanic Mind Control has never been easier or more affordable!
We offer indulgences for all your favorite sins!
Share the power of Satanic prayer with these items!
It's NEVER a bad time to witness with these bottled messages!
We offer Satanic services as well!
The number to call: 512-33-SATAN!

Sunday, August 4, 2013

We can help you get the best deal for your soul!

Have you been thinking of selling your soul to Satan? Let us get the best deal for you! For the incredibly low price of only 666 small pieces of imitation silver (dimes, that is) we'll send you everything you need to sell your soul to the Prince of Darkness!


Saturday, August 3, 2013

Message in a bottle

Now sharing the Dark Gospel is easier than ever! Who can resist a message in a bottle? Stock up on these so you're never at a loss for how to start a conversation about Satan with friends and strangers!  There are three different models to choose from, priced for every budget! Why let the godly be the only ones to annoy people? These bottled Satanic messages are far more seductive than Chick tracts could ever be! Get yours today, exclusively in our on-line shop! Hail Satan!

Infernal bottled messages!  Get them here:
These bottles are clearly a bargain:
Remember to pray to Satan!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Adopt a Pocket Demon!

Pocket Demons
Pocket Demons! The perfect gift for anyone who wants a little trouble! The more you get, the better they work!
Now Pocket Demons are easier to get than ever! Just head over to our new on-line shop, and order as many as you need! Each Demon comes in its own tiny corked bottle, containing a hand-detailed card with a unique image of your demon on the front, and a unique serial number on the reverse!
And considering everything your own personal demons can do for you, we're PRACTICALLY GIVING THEM AWAY!
Get an unholy trio of Pocket demons! Or treat yourself to an UNHOLY HANDFUL of FIVE DEMONS. A DIABOLICAL DOZEN DEMONS will only set you back a little more. But why stop there? The more Pocket Demons you have in your possession, the more you can have them possess others to CARRY OUT YOUR DEPRAVED DESIRES! Shemhamforash! Treat yourself to an entire 72 POCKET DEMONS! for an unbelievably low price!
You can only get these Pocket Demons in our on-line store, so ACT NOW before others buy them all and USE THEIR INFERNAL POWERS AGAINST YOU! HAIL SATAN!
Value Pocket Demons
Still not sure?
Maybe you know that Pocket Demons are for you, but you just don't know how to fit them into your monthly budget. WE HAVE THE ANSWER TO YOUR PRAYERS! Our new line of VALUE POCKET DEMONS are just what you're looking for! These Pocket Demons are JUST AS POWERFUL AND WICKED as our standard Pocket Demons, but less labor-intensive for our minions to produce. The only difference is that our Value Pocket Demons do not have serial numbers, and are printed on clear acetate instead of hand-detailed parchment card stock. But just like our standard Pocket Demons, every value pocket demon is unique, with its own individual demonic image! Value Pocket Demon are available in quantities of five, two dozen, or 72 (shemhamforLESS). So now you have NO EXCUSE! We have Pocket Demons for EVERY BUDGET! ACT TODAY!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Adopt a Demon!

Or a few! Check out the Satanic Missionary Society's new on-line shop where you can adopt Pocket Demons for incredibly low prices (considering all they can do!). All items in the shop are individually hand-crafted by the Antichris and his infernal minions! Many more items coming soon!


Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Yes, we have cookies!

But the Dark Lord only helps those who help themselves. You either have to bake them yourself, or steal them from a church bake sale. Hail Satan!


Thursday, June 27, 2013

They're back! (July 15)

O mighty Satan, Dark Lord of forbidden fruits and pleasures, we most shamelessly thank you for the imminent return of these unholy snack cakes to our nation's convenience store shelves. May our gluttony and laziness never cease! May our supplies of these infernal vices never again be cut off. Hail Satan!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

New flyer for the Satanic Prayer Line

That extra space at the bottom is for Braille contributed by blind Satanist Ashlee Rose. Want to know what it says? You'll be glad you learned Braille to find out!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Shemhamforash! 72 more Pocket Demons!

Our unholy minions can only summon 72 pocket demons at a time. Each one is unique! Look for them soon at Last Word Books in Olympia, or get your own sooner at the next gathering of Olympia Satanists this Wednesday in room 200 of the Olympia Center (see http://olympia.worshipsatan.org for directions)

Hail Satan!